2017-05-03 / Editorials

Mike Reese

“I was just thinking”

Breaking News: President Trump announced from the first tee at the new White

House in Palm Beach that effective May 29, 2017, Memorial Day, he will resign due to his tremendous number of accomplishments which have happened sooner than anyone could have ever expected. The President concentrated on his three biggest successes which were promised in every single campaign speech of 2016 Remember, PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

Number 1: The wall. “Folks, the wall proved to be too complicated and expensive. So, I’ve decided to string three strands of very, very, sharp wire barbed along the border, monitored by very, very mean coyotes and rattlesnakes, with go-pro cameras attached to their heads. To pay for this, I’ve negotiated very, very smartly with the Mexican President to put up very, very, nice taco stands along the border for American customers with the profits being used to pay for the very, very mean coyotes and rattlesnakes, and very, very, sharp barbed wire, and cameras. And remember, who’s gonna pay for the wall? I want you to continue to scream, like middle-school cheerleaders---Mexico! Who? Mexico! Who? Mexico! Problem solved”

Number 2: Taxes. “Folks, we’re proposing hooge, hooge tax breaks for the wealthiest among us. And, at some time, who knows when, you middle-class folks will begin to feel it, somewhat. Because I’m rich, I know what’s best for you, right? Rich means smarter, right? Ok, you’ve got to understand they don’t call it “trickle down” economics for nothing. You’ve seen water trickle from a faucet haven’t you? Same thing, right? So remember, patience is a middle-class virtue. It says that in my Mother’s bible somewhere, I think. Again, problem solved.”

Number 3: Obama Care. “Folks, who knew that sucker would be so dang hard to kill? Who knew the difficulty? Not me. I thought I’d get rid of that albatross with a stroke of the pen on Inauguration Day. So, I’ve directed my stunning daughter, Ivanka, she’s a beaut isn’t she, I’ve asked her to design a very, very, nice O’Trumpa Care Family Health Kit for every American family, including two Viagra tablets for the men, two Botox injections and a 10% off coupon for a boob job for the ladies, courtesy of certain doctors who made very, very nice contributions to my campaign, and multi-colored band-aids for the kids. She’s also including aspirin for your cancers, gauze pads, Vaseline and Preparation-H for your private issues. Each kit for only $999.99 plus S & H. Come on folks, let me hear those phones ring----1- 800-GOLF. Problem solved.”

“Now, I’ll ask VP Pence to tee up our balls and prepare to tote President Putin’s and my golf bag. This will be a celebratory round of golf, celebrating President Putin being named a full partner with Trump Properties. He and I have been talking secretly for a couple of years now and he seems to be a perfect fit for the Trump brand. We’ll see you again at my Memorial Day Resignation. It’ll be the biggest resignation ever. Hooge, hooge!!” A big problem solved.

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