2017-05-17 / Editorials

Mike Reese

“I was just thinking”

Whenever couples begin to discuss starting a family, I’d say that it’s a safe bet that their future reality will, eventually, clash sharply with the ideal family, specifically things they imagine that they’ll be saying to their brand new, sweet, little children. Like, “It’s so nice that you and your big brother play so nicely together.” Or, “Bubba, I’m so happy that you keep your room so neat.” Or, “Abrianna, I was so pleased at the scripture you quoted when our pastor visited.” But then a giant boulder of reality falls from the sky straight into your world of puffy, pastel dream clouds of parenthood. And life begins to happen in ways you never expected as pre-Moms or pre-Dads.

Reality example 1: “Heather Jean, get your flip-flop out of your mouth. Honey, I just washed dog poop off that thing. At least you didn’t get a fresh taste.” Most pre-birth moms never saw Heather Jean chewing on their flip-flops, fresh from a dog poop cleaning. Reality strikes quickly to new Moms and Dads

Reality example 2: “Jackie Louise, I know your new underwear is pretty and is helping you to learn the days of the week, but I better not hear from your teacher again that you are showing the boys in your class exactly how pretty they are. Yes, they’re pretty, but your drawers are private. And I want you to keep them that way until you’re at least thirty years old. Ok?” Good luck Mom with that thirty year old thing.

Reality example 3: “Jed, go straight to the bathroom and let me know if you see that valuable dime come out that you swallowed a couple of days ago. And don’t you dare flush. It was part of your Daddy’s coin collection and he’ll want it back maybe, if we don’t tell him of its slow journey through your insides.” Never thought you’d say that, did you?

Reality example 4: “Xavier, don’t make me stop this car, but I will if you bite your brother’s butt again. You know we didn’t have time for baths last night, too much homework and you weren’t that dirty, so there may be double germs on that fanny.” Nope, this example wasn’t in Dr. Spock’s book or your pre-Mom dreams.

Reality example 5: “Tyler Thomas, I’ve told you many times to not pull your boy parts out again whenever you’re feeding the chickens. Those roosters might mistake that part for a worm and if you look at that beak, well, I’m guessing it’s just as sharp as it looks. So, let’s not find out the hard way, Ok?” Must have been a city boy. The farm boys would know better.

The examples could go on and on. You’ve got plenty of your own, I’m sure. But these realities are what make our parenting lives real, interesting and humorous, sometimes. I’d like to hear some of yours, if you’d like to share.

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