2017-06-21 / Editorials

Mike Reese

“I was just thinking”

(Editor’s note) Due to technical problems, Mike’s column was printed with a paragraph “out of order” as he submitted it. We are, therefore, running the column in the correct format this week.)

Have you been thinking lately that the end of time may be close? In my lifetime I can remember dozens of times when dates were set for “the end.” But, because I’m typing this column and you’re reading it, I suppose that’s proof enough that all of those prognosticators were wrong. But I’ve read of two concrete examples lately that are happening simultaneously that just might convince all of us to believe that earth’s days are finite, and neither example involves inept and/or crazy leaders of any country.

The first example comes from what’s called the “Celebrity Wellness Industry.” Most of the celebrities mentioned were unfamiliar to me. But let’s say those mentioned really are celebrities who hold some sway over us everyday simpletons. Some of the celebrities were hawking “Brain Dust,” which helps our “neuron velocity by toning the brain waves.” And there’s “Moon Juice” which is promoted as a “healing force, a cosmic beacon for those seeking wellness, and longevity.” That’s everyone, isn’t it? “Brain Powder” was touted, too, as an “adaptogenic potion designed to influence your wellness space.” Huh? And finally there was a women’s bath product involving a steam and sunlight treatment that helped women “feel cleaner than ever before,” it said. Whatever happened to plain soap and water? Soap and water is too cheap. That’s what happened. These wonder concoctions only work when you’ve paid a week’s salary for an ounce of these wonders. The prices for all these snake oil elixirs were so outrageous I’m not going to quote them. You wouldn’t believe them anyway. I’ll just say that you’re last name would have to be Kardashian, Clinton, or Trump to be able to afford them.

The second example that might confirm that our end is close at hand is the newest fashion trend for men, and I use the term “men” with hesitation. The trend is called “rompers.” Your mama might have forced a romper on you when you were one or two. A romper is a one-piece shirt and shorts combo. The shorts half of this ensemble is way too far north for the average man’s “mid-body” comfort. And, for the average man to wear a romper to, say, a rodeo, or a Falcon’s game, will most likely have him returning home with bruises that weren’t there when he left home. Try Googling “rompers for men.” My words aren’t descriptive enough, but the pictures, they’re just right. Whew!

Celebrity Wellness potions and rompers for men aren’t mentioned in the Book of Revelation. But Lord help us. I think these two new “things” are, maybe, just as valid as predictors for Earth’s termination as anything in Revelation. But one rock solid way to predict the end is if you see me snorting Brain Dust and drinking Moon Juice, while modeling a cute set of rompers, then you should immediately gather your family and sprint like “the roadrunner” to a house of worship, any house of worship. Because the end will not be near, it will be here.

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